Any wrong you do he's gonna see

I would never consider myself a fan of either email forwards or the crapfest that is Walker, Texas Ranger, but this list may be one of the funniest things I've ever read. It was the first time in my life I've actually had tears come to my eyes from laughing so hard, and to my dismay, it occurred to me that the Tall Tale has become a lost art in this day and age. Thanks to Liz for passing this on. (Little known fact: people often compare me to Chuck Norris because of the similarity in our manly beards.)



Why I'll buy the boxed set of "Walker: Texas Ranger"
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
5. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
6. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
7. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that everyone within a hundred-mile radius went deaf.
8. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
9. Chuck Norris once ate three 72-ounce steaks in one hour. And he'd spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise Men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
12. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
13. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
14. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
15. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth and Chuck can taketh away.
16. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
18. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
19. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
20. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane."
21. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
22. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeit.
23. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
24. Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire.
25. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it, honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, then threw it up a few seconds later, fully cooked and with cranberry sauce.
26. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
27. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
28. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
29. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
30. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker: Texas Ranger, they are actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

Gone to the Movies

I'm thankful for five straight days off of work, providing some much-needed rest, a good visit from the fam, and a chance to get caught up on a bunch of stuff. While my parents and brothers were here, we went to see the Lord of the Rings Movie exhibit, which turned out to be really enjoyable. Basically, it was like watching the bonus features on the DVDs with props. Lots of costumes, weapons, and scale miniatures that were actually used in the movie, and videos in each section that explained filmmaking techniques like how they created the armor or how they composited an effects-heavy shot out of four different sets. The videos were a lot of the same info that you get on the special edition DVDs, but there was some new stuff in the exhibit I hadn't seen before. Plus, it's a completely different experience when they describe how two guys hand-glued 200,000 rings together to make the chain metal armor, and then there's samples of the chain-metal you can touch. But the coolest thing to me was the production art: throughout the exhibit, there were framed and matted sketches and watercolor studies which eventually led to what you saw onscreen. In some cases, the earliest pencil sketch was almost exactly what ended up in the movie. By the time we left, we had been there for more than two hours, and I hardly even noticed.

In between eating, shopping and watching football throughout the rest of the weekend, I watched a variety of movies. The first was Walk the Line, which I liked a lot. I didn't know much about Johnny Cash's life going in, so I didn't get hung up about what the film skipped or glossed over. Joaquin Phoenix did a pretty good job. I enjoyed the way that his voice changed during the course of the movie, so that by the end I was hearing the voice I associate with Cash. But my brother and I both came away most impressed with Reese Witherspoon. She was the driving force in the this movie, and turned in a stellar performance. I wouldn't be at all surprised to see her nominated come Oscar time.

Next was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I've read a lot of negative reviews. mostly focusing on what was left out. Well, I hate to break it to the Potter nuts out there, but there's no easy way to trim a 730-page book down to 2-1/2 hours and keep everybody's favorite parts. I felt like most of what got cut was justfied—do we really need to see Hermione's quest to liberate the house elves? My biggest objection to this movie was that it felt rushed. Despite so much being cut, the filmmakers were still trying to cram a lot into the time they had, and so they lost the ability to explain what was happening. Even having read the book, there were still a few times where I was left scratching my head wondering what just happened. Plus, I was a little disappointed in Voldemort. Note to Ralph Fiennes: in the future, a little less chewing of scenery and a little more menace exuded, please. Think Darth Vader in the original Star Wars.

Speaking of which, next I watched Episode III on DVD. It's getting less offensive each time I watch it, but I still feel like in an ideal world, the prequels would have combined Episodes I & II into one movie and fleshed the events of Episode III out into 2 films. This is another one that feels way too rushed. And I'm sorry, but Darth Vader is not Frankenstein's monster. No matter how many times I watch that movie, I'll never get past that scene. It is just completely wrong for the character.

Finally, I had Shrek 2 from Netflix. Cute, I guess. I didn't like it as much as the first one.

I may try to watch some of the Lord of the Rings movies today. After going to the exhibit, I'm excited to watch them again. Although right now, I'm more interested in watching the bonus features than the movies themselves.

Anticipation

Ever get that feeling when you're watching a TV show that they're building up to something really big? That's the way I've felt about Smallville this year (except for that idiotic episode where Lana became a vampire). Besides the big sweeps stunt of revealing James Marsters' evil master plan, there's been all kinds of portentious hints and sly references to the movies dropped this season, Lex is starting to slip into a supervillain's shoes, and Clark is slowly but surely embracing his superpowers. All of this seems to be leading to something very exciting at the end of the season. Will we finally see Tom Welling as Superman? It would make a lot of sense, since a stunt like that during May sweeps would coincide with what's likely to be a huge bout of Super-hype due to the summer release date for Bryan Singer's Superman Returns. In fact, DC and Warner Bros. already have the synergy thing going, premiering the teaser trailer for the new movie during this past week's Smallville episode. Looks like they really have tried to keep the tone of the first two Christoper Reeve films, even down to the music and using Marlon Brando's dialogue as Superman's birth father, Jor-El.

So what is in store for the show and the movie? Well, I could probably find out after 5 minutes on Google, but I think I'll just exercise restraint for once and enjoy the anticipation...

Development Hell

So Fox has done it again. From the network that couldn't figure out how to get people to watch critically acclaimed shows with cult followings like Wonderfalls and Firefly (or just didn't care), we now get the cancellation of Arrested Development. Granted, AD was given a little bit more of a chance than either of the other two shows mentioned (2-1/2 seasons for AD as opposed to a half-season between the other two), but burying the show at 8:00 on Monday night in between baseball playoff games wasn't exactly going all out to help it find an audience.

Last year, when Fox reduced the episode order of Arrested Development, the cast and writers had a little fun at the expense of the network. This year, with cancellation looming, it seems like they're taking the same tack... only this time, they're not pulling their punches. Check out David Cross's analysis of the situation. If this ever airs, there will be more bleeps than dialogue.

And before the characters are blown from our short-term memory by whatever crap Fox replaces them with, figure out which one you are.

Save some time for me

Busy, busy, busy. Between work, going to Chicago last weekend, and getting ready to host Thanksgiving, leisure time's been at a premium lately. I haven't even watched last night's extended Lost episode yet! However, I can't completely ignore pop culture. Here's what I've been occupied with lately:

Holiday movies. I feel like I've hardly seen any movies in the theater lately, mainly due to lack of interest in anything out there. I mean, I see more 50 Cent than I ever need to in the 20 minutes of MTV I watch each month. However, my moviegoing frequency is due for an upswing now that the holiday season has arrived. Harry Potter, Walk the Line, and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang are just a few of the earliest group of movies on my list. Luckily, with 5 days of Thanksgiving vacation rapidly approaching, hopefully I'll get to catch a few of what seems to be a promising crop of holiday films. And with event pictures like King Kong and The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe looming on the horizon, I have a feeling there will be plenty of reviews in my near future.

Watchmen, by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. OK, I admit it. I am way late to the party on this one. This is arguably the most influential comic of the last 25 years, andhere I am getting around to reading it 20 years after it was published. After hearing how great this book is for decades and reading Entertainment Weekly's recent article on the far-flung influence Watchmen has had on popular culture as a whole, I finally got around to checking the collected series out of the library. Well, I'm on board. Alan Moore is a god. It is worth every bit of hype it gets, and I haven't even finished it. Aside from setting the template for pretty much every superhero comic written since 1985, it's also a great story, and one of the first to really examine what drives a man or woman to put on a mask and risk having the crap kicked out of them every night. Much like Moore's equally excellent League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, once I got around to reading Watchmen, I regretted having waited so long.

"Perfect Situation", Weezer. When I first picked up Weezer's latest, Make Believe, I was a little underwhelmed. It just seemed a little too bland and harmless. But lately, Weezer's made frequent appearances on my iPod, and it's led me to reconsider some of the hidden pleasures on the new disc. "Perfect Situation" happens to be one of them. There's something about this track that hits me the right way. And they made a great video featuring Elisha Cuthbert as the band's orginal lead singer. My only question is, what did No Doubt do to earn this not-so-subtle jab?

Star Wars Battlefront II for the XBox. And finally, the real reason my free time has been so scarce. This game managed to incorporate more strategy and depth while retaining all the "blast the stormtroopers, Ewoks, Jawas, and pretty much anything else that moves" of the original. Totally addictive.

Caaaable Guy!

It's amazing how much you can get done while waiting for the cable guy to arrive. Thanks to my DVR hard drive having an "unrecoverable write error", I've been sitting in my living room since 9:00 awaiting what will likely be a 5 minute visit. In that time, I've been able to pack for my weekend trip to Chicago, go through all my mail from the past week, pay my bills online, file a bunch of papers, clean my kitchen, carry on two email conversations, check in with work, and play a few rounds of Bionic Commando (one of the many games on the Capcom Classic Collection that I got for my birthday). Maybe I should be trapped in my apartment more often. Apparently, I'd get a lot more done.

Great. Well, at least I had a productive morning. The f@%#ing idiots at Bright House are telling me they can't get here because one street downtown is blocked off for the Veteran's Day parade. Glad I burned a vacation half-day for this. Morons.

Sex sells?

I am, and have always been, a believer in the power of suggestion. After all, it was just last night that those McDonald's ads I kept seeing during all the football I watched convinced me that I needed a greasy Quarter Pounder and some limp, lukewarm fries. No persuading that advertising works necessary here. And of course, should there be a good-looking woman connected to the product being sold, I'm a lot more likely to pay attention. I'm not proud of it, but it's an undeniable weakness of American... OK, all men, that advertisers have been preying on for years.

But sometimes, the sexy spokesmodel strategy can backfire. Case in point: if you've watched any TV in the past three months, you've likely seen Mercury's ad campaign with Jill Wagner (pictured). Now, I would probably never buy a Mercury anyway, but every time one of these commercials comes on, I am so distracted by the extreme hotness of the spokesmodel, I barely register the product. For instance, I couldn't tell you the name of a single Mercury model (likely repeated several times during the ad), yet I know Jill Wagner's name (never once mentioned in the ad). The only thing these commercials motivated me to investigate further was who she is. I cared about it enough to Google "Mercury spokesmodel" (which led me to discover that I'm not the only blogger who's suffering from this minor problem: Wez Says..., Jalopnik, and Population Statistic all feel my pain), but have absolutely no interest in checking out a single Mercury vehicle. So advertisers, here's your lesson: sex may sell, but make sure it doesn't overshadow your product. Instead of being perceived as a boring car company for old people, you'll become the boring car company with that hot girl in their commercials. Not really sure that's gonna have people flocking to the dealerships.

Lazy, lazy, lazy

Well, I wanted to post something, but I'm too tired to think. So here's a bunch of links to some humorous/quirky/cool stories, and one funny use of editing.

ABC and ESPN paid $100 million for the rights to the 2010 and 2014 World Cups. But the big news is that they were one of five American network groups bidding for the rights. That's a huge step forward for soccer.

Wide receivers in the NFL are wearing non-traditional numbers. And ESPN.com is writing non-traditional NFL articles.

According to Chinese scientists, there's a black hole in the middle of our galaxy.

You can buy a semi-pro indoor football team on EBay. For the low, low price of $100 grand.

And finally, a video editing house in Seattle had a competition to see who could recut a movie trailer to make it seem like something it was not. This is the winner. I warned these Hollywood types once already about overusing "Solsbury Hill," and now these folks have showed how that song's power can be used in horribly wrong ways.

If you're a fan of the Adult Swim shows on Cartoon Network and you haven't heard Danger Doom's The Mouse and the Mask yet, run right out and get yourself a copy. Hi-class underground rap interspersed with bits by various Adult Swim characters. Sweet.

Truly, truly outrageously hot

Tonight was the final concert in my 17-day stretch of shows: Jem, the Welsh producer and singer who will one day be having my children.

Opener was Josh Kelley. We arrived in the middle of his set, so I can't give a full report, but his set was a little too polished for me (his band seemed to be a bunch of session players assembled by his label). He seems to have some potential, though. In his best moments, he sounded a bit like a young Billy Joel. If he ends up with half the longevity of the Piano Man, Kelley should be happy.

Sadly, Jem only played for about an hour. She's still touring in support of her first disc, Finally Woken, so she really didn't have many songs to draw from. She played most of FW as well as a new song and a cover of Coldplay's "In My Place". I stood right up against the stage and managed to have some quality eye contact going before I collapsed in a puddle of drool, because my girl is smoking hot in person. Plus, she has this cute little hip-hop thing going on when she sings (she's got the rapper's side-to-side hand motion and that little bend-at-the-knees dance down), and an accent that can even make words like "Indianapolis" sound interesting. Hopefully, the new song was an indication that she'll have a new disc out soon. She really has a terrific singing voice, although you wouldn't have know it from the sound system tonight. If I hadn't been so distracted by staring at her, I might have been really disappointed by a muddy mix. After an all-too-brief set, Jem was quickly whisked off to her bus, so I'll just have to wait until the next time she comes through town to run away to Wales with her. *sigh*