Any wrong you do he's gonna see

I would never consider myself a fan of either email forwards or the crapfest that is Walker, Texas Ranger, but this list may be one of the funniest things I've ever read. It was the first time in my life I've actually had tears come to my eyes from laughing so hard, and to my dismay, it occurred to me that the Tall Tale has become a lost art in this day and age. Thanks to Liz for passing this on. (Little known fact: people often compare me to Chuck Norris because of the similarity in our manly beards.)



Why I'll buy the boxed set of "Walker: Texas Ranger"
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
5. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
6. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
7. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that everyone within a hundred-mile radius went deaf.
8. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
9. Chuck Norris once ate three 72-ounce steaks in one hour. And he'd spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise Men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
12. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
13. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
14. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
15. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth and Chuck can taketh away.
16. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
18. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
19. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
20. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane."
21. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
22. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeit.
23. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
24. Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire.
25. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it, honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, then threw it up a few seconds later, fully cooked and with cranberry sauce.
26. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
27. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
28. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
29. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
30. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker: Texas Ranger, they are actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.